I am Not Obsessed
by Insane Pineapple from Naboo
Summary: A parody of Edgar Allen Poe's A TellTale Heart using the obsessiveness of Lord of the Rings.


Disclaimer: I do not own "The Tell-Tale Heart" by Edgar Allen Poe or Lord of the Rings by J. R. R. Tolkein. I'm a broke redneck who was very bored. 

Author's Notes: I am dedicating this to Elvish Fairy and an English teacher of mine who just happens to like Edgar Allen Poe. 

I am Not Obsessed

You may think I am obsessed. I can reassure you that I am indeed not obsessed. I am not writing another humor fanfiction on Lord of the Rings. I am merely trying to convince you that I am not an obsessed fangirl. I have yet to learn Elvish.

I did not stare at my Lord of the Rings book collection for three hours to attempt to will myself into Middle Earth. I stared at my extended edition DVD of The Fellowship of the Ring to do that. I only stared at my book collection for three hours to will every crease off the bindings and cover and to remove every spec of dirt. I might get damaged if I entered Middle Earth through a non-perfect copy of the book. You've got to understand that. 

I do not stroke ring that hangs on a chain around my neck. Since I could not steal the ring, I had Sauron's brother make a copy for me. I do not stroke it because I do not want to blemish it or wake any evil spirits lying inside of it. Anytime someone else comes close to touching it, I polish it for exactly one hour and seven minutes. I do not stare into the ring every chance I get because it has power over me, I stare into the ring to make sure no evil spirits will awaken.

My copy of The Return of the King is not falling apart because I have read it so many times. It is falling apart because someone snuck into my house and stole it for a month or two. When I finally found it again, the pages were loose and the binding was coming off. This is **not** my fault. I have not read it more than twice. I only know every event in the book because of someone else's account of the book. I **knew** I should have stopped them before they told me everything.

The voices in my head are not figments of my imagination. They are telling me to take the ring to the next evil genius that comes around. I will not do this. I will find a man with the last name of Baggins who has a best friend with the last name of Gamgee, and they can decide what to do with it. For now, it is **my** precious.

I have not seen the Fellowship of the Ring more than twenty-five times, I swear. I can only quote practically the whole movie because I have a good memory. I cannot tell you how many tears Frodo sheds, or how long it takes Legolas to notch an arrow. Those things are common knowledge by now. You should know already, so basically I **will** not tell you how many tears Frodo sheds, or how long t takes Legolas to notch an arrow.

I do not have the complete poster collection of Lord of the Rings in my room. I only have the two official ones and the soon to be official third one. This is not an uncommon occurrence, so I am not yet considered obsessed. The framed, signed picture of Elijah Wood next to my bed is not because he is the main actor in Lord of the Rings. The framed, signed pictured is there because he is a good actor. 

I do not mock Boromir's death because he is an annoying character that won't shut up about Gondor. I do not cry that he is dead or feel any sympathy or him. I merely grin at the fact that I am now listening to my favorite music in the movie (the breaking of the fellowship) that adds to his death scene. I am only feeling sorry that Aragorn, Frodo, Gimli, Legolas, and Sam are feeling pain. I'm sorry guys, but I do not share your pain.

I do shout at my tv screen every time there is a battle going on, and one of my people gets injured. I do that at bad calls on basketball games. I focus on the fact that I know they're going to live. I have read the books, but it's hard to not occasionally shout insults at a rogue orc. It's just so hard.

I have not memorized the map of Middle Earth. I instinctively just happen to know where everything in Middle Earth is because I know my geography. That and the fact that if my mind tells me that Gondor is ten miles south of the Shire, than it is ten miles south of the Shire. You cannot convince me otherwise.

I do not use the Shire calendar because I have no other calendar. I use the Shire calendar because no other calendar has any meaning to me. I never know what day it is anyway, so why does it matter? Does my poor timing somehow affect your lifestyle?

I have not seen The Two Towers more than twice. I only know my favorite quotes from the movie because I loved them so much that I remembered them. Ignore the fact that I have one really long one with the rest of them up on my site. I shall deny actually looking online for some interesting quotes from the second film. 

As you can see by now, I am not an obsessed fangirl. I am not a madman in the disguise of a fangirl. I am not insanely jealously girl that I never got to meet Elijah Wood or Orlando Bloom. I do not write pointless fanfiction. I am just…..an Insane Pineapple from some far off planet attempting to locate Middle Earth.  

A.N.: Like? Hate? Tell me what you think! I love feedback! If you look under my bio, it has my website listed so you can check out my Lord of the Rings pictures and favorite quotes. Ja ne ~Insane Pineapple from Naboo


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